“An Evening of Evile” By Joshua Kraus Cast of Characters CHUCK/DR. SIEGFRIED E. VILE: a middle aged super villain who is beginning to doubt his self-worth as an evil mastermind. PSYCHO STU: Dr. E. Vile’s own creation; a half man, half machine manservant/henchman. He tries to suggest ways in which Dr. E. Vile can end up back on top. CAPT. AWESOME: Dr. Vile’s arch nemesis, and the hero who tries to foil all of his plans. CHARLENE: Dr. E. Vile’s estranged girlfriend. NEWS ANCHORMAN: a pre-recorded voice over of a news anchorman from a local television news channel. (CHUCK/DR. E.VILE, a middle aged, passed his prime super villain is sitting in his underground secret lair. Around him are various deadly inventions including what looks to be a death ray gun, as well as poison gas canisters. The time is just passed dinner, and CHUCK sits quietly in his chair, slowly sipping from a glass of bourbon as he begins to silently contemplate his life as a super villain) CHUCK:(Sighs; CHUCK looks at his watch and then sighs again) (Beat) CHUCK: You know I bet Lex Luthor never had to put up with any of this shit. (Beat… CHUCK takes a sip of bourbon) CHUCK: Come to think of it, neither has the Joker either. I seriously doubt that he’s ever really had to deal with depression. Schizophrenia, maybe. Psychotic episodes, perhaps, but I honestly can’t see him feeling as sorry for his fuckin’ self as I feel now. . . Goddammit. (CHUCK sets his drink down; walks over to a table and picks up a bottle of pills) CHUCK: “Make sure to take three pills a day, seven days a week.” Fuckin’shrink. What the fuck does he know? Tell me I’m experiencing the beginning stages of “Manic Depression”. Has he ever placed a small nitrogen bomb in a school bus full of pre-schoolers? Has he ever created a toxin that would melt away a human skull and cranium, thereby leaving the actual head intact so that the person’s brain begins to seep and ooze through the orifices of some unlucky bastard’s skin? I think not. So where does he get the balls to tell me I’m suffering with depression? Not to mention the fact that I myself am a goddamn doctor after all. (CHUCK tips back the pill container, obviously taking more pills than recommended) CHUCK: Ohhh, shit… (CHUCK slumps back into his chair. Beat…) Ugh. Fuckin’starving. Maybe I’ll get in a better mood if I eat something. . . STUUU!!!!! (No answer) CHUCK: STUUUUUUU!!!!!!! (Still no answer) CHUCK: STU, YOU IGNORANT PIECE OF SHIT, GET YOUR FAT ASS DOWN HERE!!! STU (Offstage): Coming, my lord! (Beat. . . STU enters stage left.) STU: Sorry I took so long, my master. CHUCK: Well what the hell were you doing? STU: I was laying out your wardrobe for tomorrow. Still planning on dining out with Charlene tomorrow night, I presume? CHUCK: … Eh. (Beat) STU: What’s the matter sire? I thought you liked Charlene? CHUCK: She’s alright I guess. STU: Then what’s the problem, my lord? CHUCK: … I don’t know. I get the feeling that she’s rather less than intelligent. STU: And why do you say that, sire? CHUCK: She thought the country Uruguay was a place where all the homosexuals went after they’ve officially “come out”. STU: Ah… indeed. But the sex my lord, the sex has been good I take it? (CHUCK nearly chokes on his drink during mid-sentence of STU’s line) CHUCK: What the fuck!?! I don’t see how that’s any of your goddamn business! STU: My apologies my lord. So I take it everything has been working fine in that department? I know most recently his greatness has mentioned he’s experienced some trouble with… ah… how does one say this? I think his lordship uses the term, “getting it up?” How goes that? CHUCK: ONE TIME YOU ASS HOLE! IT HAPPENED ONE TIME! And it’s not even my fault… it’s this damn medication I’m on. Must be some sort of side effect or somethin’… STU: Of course my master. Of course. So then, what is it that I can help you with tonight? Why the sudden urgency for me to come down here? CHUCK: I’m fuckin’ hungry. STU: Ah I see. Shall I have the cook prepare you a meal? Perhaps the roasted duck with a side of – CHUCK: The hell with that. Order me a pizza. STU: Of course my lord. Right away. Shall it be the usual then? Extra cheese, light sauce, mushrooms, and onions? CHUCK: Yeah. And make sure to tell them not to put a lot of sauce on it. Last time I ordered I got a ton of sauce on the pizza. I swear to God, if they put a lot of sauce on it this time, I’m gonna take the fuckin’ pizza delivery guy and make a jump rope out of his intestines. If they mess up my order I’m gonna teach him how to double Dutch with his lower bowels. STU: Of course my master. I’ll place the order immediately. (STU exits stage left) CHUCK: Good. In the meantime, I think I’ll watch a little boob tube. (CHUCK picks up a remote and turns on the television; a pre-recorded voice over of a news anchorman can be heard coming from the television) V/O NEWS ANCHORMAN: … And in recent news, Carson City has experienced a new, all time low in crime. Local authorities say homicides are down 15% from last year, and brutal crimes are down 23% compared to last year. Authorities say this is due in part to the recent incarceration of known super villains such as The Dementor who is serving 3 life sentences without parole, Slice and Dice who has been locked away in an insane asylum for the past decade, and of course as recent as yesterday, the infamous Terrible Bob was killed in a police shootout, thanks to assistance from the great Captain Awesome. For once it finally looks as if Carson City can enjoy a period of peace thanks to the diligent sacrifices made by the city’s heroes. (CHUCK clicks the T.V. off and sits for a moment in silence; he is nearly in tears when he begins to speak) CHUCK: Shit’s fuckin’ sad man. I remember when this town used to be a hell hole. Regular folk would piss their pants just from walking outside their front door… now it’s turning into a regular fucking black and white film from the 1950’s. Fuckin’ Leave it to Beaver style. This shit’s too much for me to take. (STU enters stage left; he notices CHUCK who is now hunched over, practically sobbing to himself) STU: My lord, are you crying? CHUCK: (CHUCK quickly begins to wipe his eyes and stands to his feet) Hell no I wasn’t crying! STU: My neuron-sensors are picking up condensation from your facial area. CHUCK: Fuck you! It’s not my goddamn fault! It’s this medication; I swear it makes me all emotional! Must be some damn estrogen in those pills or some shit! STU: It can be quite healthy to have a good cry every so often my master. CHUCK: Shut your mouth you worthless piece of fuck! I’m telling you it’s the medication… (beat) and… what’s happening to this city is sad… STU: What do you mean, my lord? CHUCK: The city! It’s becoming a nice fuckin’ place to live! Cops are locking up criminals left and right, Captain “Ass-hat” is putting a real stop to crime, and murders are becoming a thing of the past while meanwhile I’m just sitting here on my ass all day long feeling sorry for myself! STU: I see my lord. Then perhaps it is time we took action. CHUCK: What do you mean? STU: I am suggesting that perhaps it is time you made a comeback. Perhaps it is time that you finally destroy the one man who has beaten you time and time again. Then, after he has been killed, maybe you will finally no longer feel sorry for yourself. CHUCK: You are suggesting that I kill Captain Awesome? STU: Yes. CHUCK: How do you suppose I do that? STU: By setting a trap, my lord. Trick Captain Awesome into coming here. Then once he does, you will be able to kill him once and for all. CHUCK: Yes… a trap… Yes! I already am beginning to feel like my old self again. Psycho Stu! Prepare the trap! Send the message to Captain Awesome that we have kidnapped a number of children from a daycare, then I will finish him once and for all! STU: Already done, my lord. My prediction scanner conjectured that there was a 92% chance that you would agree to my plan, and as a result I have already set it into motion. Captain Awesome shall be arriving here momentarily. CHUCK: Excellent Psycho Stu! At last the world shall once again taste the demented offerings of Dr. Siegfried E.Vile! (Sound FX: doorbell) STU: That must be Captain Awesome, I presume. I shall go and let him in. (STU exits stage left, as CHUCK prepares himself for the confrontation with AWESOME. In a moment’s time AWESOME enters stage left, with STU behind him) STU: Captain Awesome, may I present to you the infinitely powerful, the incredibly intellectual, whose sexual prowess knows no limits, the infamous, the one and only, Dr. Siegfried E. Vile. CAPT. AWESOME: Well, well, if the old senior citizen hasn’t come out of retirement. Tell me doctor, are you some sort of masochist? Or were you so bored that you couldn’t possibly resist the thought of an ass kicking brought to you exclusively by the likes of me? Now where are you hiding the stupid little kids? Hand em’ over nice and polite and I’ll only break one of your arms. CHUCK: You always were an idiot. Look around you. Do you really think I’d go to all the trouble just to kidnap some snot-nosed toddlers? On the contrary my mentally challenged friend. You have walked right into my trap. CAPT. AWESOME: Bullshit. You’re bluffing. CHUCK: Am I? (CHUCK pulls out a remote from his pocket) CHUCK: You see this remote? This little device happens to control the ventilation system located in this room. With just a press of the button, I will unleash a poison gas that will destroy the human body’s nervous system from within, thus causing a terrible and excruciating death… that is of course, unless you have the antidote. The antidote which I have already taken, as has my humble associate, Psycho Stu. So I guess what I am trying to say Captain, is that this is the end for you. But first, how about a toast? (CHUCK reaches over and picks up his glass from the table, he then raises it towards CAPTAIN AWESOME) CHUCK: You know what the difference is between you and me? I’ll tell you, you are nothing more than a- (Sound FX: gunshot. STU shoots CAPTAIN AWESOME in the back of the head as CHUCK is in mid-sentence. CAPTAIN AWESOME falls to the ground, dead) CHUCK: HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK?!? GODDAMNIT, MOTHER OF PISS, ASS! Stu! You fucking idiot! What did you do?!? (CHUCK walks over to CAPTAIN AWESOME’s body and checks for signs of life) CHUCK: Why? Why did you shoot him? I didn’t even get to finish my monologue! You asshole! I had it all planned out to… I wrote it three years ago specifically for a time like this, and now I can’t even use it! STU: You can still say your monologue, if you wish sire. CHUCK: Well it’s kind of too-fucking late for that now, isn’t? Why Stu? Why’d you have to go and shoot him? Sure, he was an asshole, but he was still a worthy adversary… he deserved to die in a more honorable way. STU: I’m sorry my master. There is nothing I can do. It has to be this way. (STU raises the gun and points it at CHUCK) CHUCK: Wait… what the fuck are you doing Stu? Put that damn gun away! STU: I’m sorry. This is the way it must be. CHUCK: But… what about the plan! I was supposed to kill Captain Awesome so I could feel like myself again! STU: Wrong. I never said anything about you killing him. Trust me “Doctor”, its better this way. I am relieving you of your sadness and depression. Soon you will feel nothing. CHUCK: No! I created you! I gave you life! You wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for me! STU: I’m sorry. It must be this way. Think of it in your own words. You yourself said this town was becoming a nice place to live. It’s time that this city got a real criminal, not some child who feels sorry all the time and pisses himself at the thought of actually doing something violent for once. No, Chuck, if anyone has taught me best it’s you. And that is no matter how hard we try to relive the past, we can’t escape the future. Goodbye Chuck. I won’t miss you, especially since you never bothered to program me with emotions when you created me. CHUCK: No! Stu! For God’s sakes, don’t do it! (Lights begin to fade to black; just as the stage becomes completely dark, a gunshot can be heard. Sound FX: gunshot) THE END
By Joshua Kraus
Cast of Characters
CHUCK/DR. SIEGFRIED E. VILE: a middle aged super villain who is beginning to doubt his self-worth as an evil mastermind.
PSYCHO STU: Dr. E. Vile’s own creation; a half man, half machine manservant/henchman. He tries to suggest ways in which Dr. E. Vile can end up back on top.
CAPT. AWESOME: Dr. Vile’s arch nemesis, and the hero who tries to foil all of his plans.
CHARLENE: Dr. E. Vile’s estranged girlfriend.
NEWS ANCHORMAN: a pre-recorded voice over of a news anchorman from a local television news channel.
(CHUCK/DR. E.VILE, a middle aged, passed his prime super villain is sitting in his underground secret lair. Around him are various deadly inventions including what looks to be a death ray gun, as well as poison gas canisters. The time is just passed dinner, and CHUCK sits quietly in his chair, slowly sipping from a glass of bourbon as he begins to silently contemplate his life as a super villain)
CHUCK:(Sighs; CHUCK looks at his watch and then sighs again)
(Beat)
CHUCK: You know I bet Lex Luthor never had to put up with any of this shit.
(Beat… CHUCK takes a sip of bourbon)
CHUCK: Come to think of it, neither has the Joker either. I seriously doubt that he’s ever really had to deal with depression. Schizophrenia, maybe. Psychotic episodes, perhaps, but I honestly can’t see him feeling as sorry for his fuckin’ self as I feel now. . . Goddammit.
(CHUCK sets his drink down; walks over to a table and picks up a bottle of pills)
CHUCK: “Make sure to take three pills a day, seven days a week.” Fuckin’shrink. What the fuck does he know? Tell me I’m experiencing the beginning stages of “Manic Depression”. Has he ever placed a small nitrogen bomb in a school bus full of pre-schoolers? Has he ever created a toxin that would melt away a human skull and cranium, thereby leaving the actual head intact so that the person’s brain begins to seep and ooze through the orifices of some unlucky bastard’s skin? I think not. So where does he get the balls to tell me I’m suffering with depression? Not to mention the fact that I myself am a goddamn doctor after all.
(CHUCK tips back the pill container, obviously taking more pills than recommended)
CHUCK: Ohhh, shit… (CHUCK slumps back into his chair. Beat…) Ugh. Fuckin’starving. Maybe I’ll get in a better mood if I eat something. . . STUUU!!!!!
(No answer)
CHUCK: STUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
(Still no answer)
CHUCK: STU, YOU IGNORANT PIECE OF SHIT, GET YOUR FAT ASS DOWN HERE!!!
STU (Offstage): Coming, my lord!
(Beat. . . STU enters stage left.)
STU: Sorry I took so long, my master.
CHUCK: Well what the hell were you doing?
STU: I was laying out your wardrobe for tomorrow. Still planning on dining out with Charlene tomorrow night, I presume?
CHUCK: … Eh.
(Beat)
STU: What’s the matter sire? I thought you liked Charlene?
CHUCK: She’s alright I guess.
STU: Then what’s the problem, my lord?
CHUCK: … I don’t know. I get the feeling that she’s rather less than intelligent.
STU: And why do you say that, sire?
CHUCK: She thought the country Uruguay was a place where all the homosexuals went after they’ve officially “come out”.
STU: Ah… indeed. But the sex my lord, the sex has been good I take it?
(CHUCK nearly chokes on his drink during mid-sentence of STU’s line)
CHUCK: What the fuck!?! I don’t see how that’s any of your goddamn business!
STU: My apologies my lord. So I take it everything has been working fine in that department? I know most recently his greatness has mentioned he’s experienced some trouble with… ah… how does one say this? I think his lordship uses the term, “getting it up?” How goes that?
CHUCK: ONE TIME YOU ASS HOLE! IT HAPPENED ONE TIME! And it’s not even my fault… it’s this damn medication I’m on. Must be some sort of side effect or somethin’…
STU: Of course my master. Of course. So then, what is it that I can help you with tonight? Why the sudden urgency for me to come down here?
CHUCK: I’m fuckin’ hungry.
STU: Ah I see. Shall I have the cook prepare you a meal? Perhaps the roasted duck with a side of –
CHUCK: The hell with that. Order me a pizza.
STU: Of course my lord. Right away. Shall it be the usual then? Extra cheese, light sauce, mushrooms, and onions?
CHUCK: Yeah. And make sure to tell them not to put a lot of sauce on it. Last time I ordered I got a ton of sauce on the pizza. I swear to God, if they put a lot of sauce on it this time, I’m gonna take the fuckin’ pizza delivery guy and make a jump rope out of his intestines. If they mess up my order I’m gonna teach him how to double Dutch with his lower bowels.
STU: Of course my master. I’ll place the order immediately.
(STU exits stage left)
CHUCK: Good. In the meantime, I think I’ll watch a little boob tube.
(CHUCK picks up a remote and turns on the television; a pre-recorded voice over of a news anchorman can be heard coming from the television)
V/O NEWS ANCHORMAN: … And in recent news, Carson City has experienced a new, all time low in crime. Local authorities say homicides are down 15% from last year, and brutal crimes are down 23% compared to last year. Authorities say this is due in part to the recent incarceration of known super villains such as The Dementor who is serving 3 life sentences without parole, Slice and Dice who has been locked away in an insane asylum for the past decade, and of course as recent as yesterday, the infamous Terrible Bob was killed in a police shootout, thanks to assistance from the great Captain Awesome. For once it finally looks as if Carson City can enjoy a period of peace thanks to the diligent sacrifices made by the city’s heroes.
(CHUCK clicks the T.V. off and sits for a moment in silence; he is nearly in tears when he begins to speak)
CHUCK: Shit’s fuckin’ sad man. I remember when this town used to be a hell hole. Regular folk would piss their pants just from walking outside their front door… now it’s turning into a regular fucking black and white film from the 1950’s. Fuckin’ Leave it to Beaver style. This shit’s too much for me to take.
(STU enters stage left; he notices CHUCK who is now hunched over, practically sobbing to himself)
STU: My lord, are you crying?
CHUCK: (CHUCK quickly begins to wipe his eyes and stands to his feet) Hell no I wasn’t crying!
STU: My neuron-sensors are picking up condensation from your facial area.
CHUCK: Fuck you! It’s not my goddamn fault! It’s this medication; I swear it makes me all emotional! Must be some damn estrogen in those pills or some shit!
STU: It can be quite healthy to have a good cry every so often my master.
CHUCK: Shut your mouth you worthless piece of fuck! I’m telling you it’s the medication… (beat) and… what’s happening to this city is sad…
STU: What do you mean, my lord?
CHUCK: The city! It’s becoming a nice fuckin’ place to live! Cops are locking up criminals left and right, Captain “Ass-hat” is putting a real stop to crime, and murders are becoming a thing of the past while meanwhile I’m just sitting here on my ass all day long feeling sorry for myself!
STU: I see my lord. Then perhaps it is time we took action.
CHUCK: What do you mean?
STU: I am suggesting that perhaps it is time you made a comeback. Perhaps it is time that you finally destroy the one man who has beaten you time and time again. Then, after he has been killed, maybe you will finally no longer feel sorry for yourself.
CHUCK: You are suggesting that I kill Captain Awesome?
STU: Yes.
CHUCK: How do you suppose I do that?
STU: By setting a trap, my lord. Trick Captain Awesome into coming here. Then once he does, you will be able to kill him once and for all.
CHUCK: Yes… a trap… Yes! I already am beginning to feel like my old self again. Psycho Stu! Prepare the trap! Send the message to Captain Awesome that we have kidnapped a number of children from a daycare, then I will finish him once and for all!
STU: Already done, my lord. My prediction scanner conjectured that there was a 92% chance that you would agree to my plan, and as a result I have already set it into motion. Captain Awesome shall be arriving here momentarily.
CHUCK: Excellent Psycho Stu! At last the world shall once again taste the demented offerings of Dr. Siegfried E.Vile!
(Sound FX: doorbell)
STU: That must be Captain Awesome, I presume. I shall go and let him in.
(STU exits stage left, as CHUCK prepares himself for the confrontation with AWESOME. In a moment’s time AWESOME enters stage left, with STU behind him)
STU: Captain Awesome, may I present to you the infinitely powerful, the incredibly intellectual, whose sexual prowess knows no limits, the infamous, the one and only, Dr. Siegfried E. Vile.
CAPT. AWESOME: Well, well, if the old senior citizen hasn’t come out of retirement. Tell me doctor, are you some sort of masochist? Or were you so bored that you couldn’t possibly resist the thought of an ass kicking brought to you exclusively by the likes of me? Now where are you hiding the stupid little kids? Hand em’ over nice and polite and I’ll only break one of your arms.
CHUCK: You always were an idiot. Look around you. Do you really think I’d go to all the trouble just to kidnap some snot-nosed toddlers? On the contrary my mentally challenged friend. You have walked right into my trap.
CAPT. AWESOME: Bullshit. You’re bluffing.
CHUCK: Am I?
(CHUCK pulls out a remote from his pocket)
CHUCK: You see this remote? This little device happens to control the ventilation system located in this room. With just a press of the button, I will unleash a poison gas that will destroy the human body’s nervous system from within, thus causing a terrible and excruciating death… that is of course, unless you have the antidote. The antidote which I have already taken, as has my humble associate, Psycho Stu. So I guess what I am trying to say Captain, is that this is the end for you. But first, how about a toast?
(CHUCK reaches over and picks up his glass from the table, he then raises it towards CAPTAIN AWESOME)
CHUCK: You know what the difference is between you and me? I’ll tell you, you are nothing more than a-
(Sound FX: gunshot. STU shoots CAPTAIN AWESOME in the back of the head as CHUCK is in mid-sentence. CAPTAIN AWESOME falls to the ground, dead)
CHUCK: HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK?!? GODDAMNIT, MOTHER OF PISS, ASS! Stu! You fucking idiot! What did you do?!?
(CHUCK walks over to CAPTAIN AWESOME’s body and checks for signs of life)
CHUCK: Why? Why did you shoot him? I didn’t even get to finish my monologue! You asshole! I had it all planned out to… I wrote it three years ago specifically for a time like this, and now I can’t even use it!
STU: You can still say your monologue, if you wish sire.
CHUCK: Well it’s kind of too-fucking late for that now, isn’t? Why Stu? Why’d you have to go and shoot him? Sure, he was an asshole, but he was still a worthy adversary… he deserved to die in a more honorable way.
STU: I’m sorry my master. There is nothing I can do. It has to be this way.
(STU raises the gun and points it at CHUCK)
CHUCK: Wait… what the fuck are you doing Stu? Put that damn gun away!
STU: I’m sorry. This is the way it must be.
CHUCK: But… what about the plan! I was supposed to kill Captain Awesome so I could feel like myself again!
STU: Wrong. I never said anything about you killing him. Trust me “Doctor”, its better this way. I am relieving you of your sadness and depression. Soon you will feel nothing.
CHUCK: No! I created you! I gave you life! You wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for me!
STU: I’m sorry. It must be this way. Think of it in your own words. You yourself said this town was becoming a nice place to live. It’s time that this city got a real criminal, not some child who feels sorry all the time and pisses himself at the thought of actually doing something violent for once. No, Chuck, if anyone has taught me best it’s you. And that is no matter how hard we try to relive the past, we can’t escape the future. Goodbye Chuck. I won’t miss you, especially since you never bothered to program me with emotions when you created me.
CHUCK: No! Stu! For God’s sakes, don’t do it!
(Lights begin to fade to black; just as the stage becomes completely dark, a gunshot can be heard. Sound FX: gunshot)
THE END